The Dalai Lama says that we all share a common life purpose: we are here to learn, and one of the courses of study we must pay attention to most diligently is how to make ourselves happy. In that context, he speaks about the nature of suffering, and how to avoid it. Ignorance is to be overcome. The Buddhist strategy for that is to understand the true nature of reality, meaning that it is an illusion to imagine that we are solely our own separate selves. In truth, we are inextricably linked to one another.
“We are here to learn, and one of the courses of study we must pay attention to most diligently is how to make ourselves happy.”
My welfare is connected to the well-being of all beings, the earth, and all living things. Although I inhabit my own body, my temple, my life is contingent on the conditions within which life thrives. My being is enhanced when I act with kindness toward those who cross my path, and in concert with what is for the good of everyone.
Yet another strategy for bypassing suffering is to avoid wishing that things are other than they are. Being conscious of and present with ‘what is’ is to be ‘mindful’ and this too is an asset. There are lessons to be learned wherever we are, with anyone that is in our life, with all the circumstances that arise.
If we treat everyone we encounter as if they are our mother, the one who gave birth to us and showed us the way, then we are beginning to get the point. Not that these principles are easy to implement, but still, they’re the ones to which we are told to aspire by many wise ones.
It’s not possible to transfer our lessons in toto to our children—we each must learn from our own experience, that’s just the way it works. But still, there are stories and lessons that provide particular value when they are shared. One mother of young children asks three simple questions to her kids each night around the dining table, when school for the day is done.
“Sharing stories about how we tried to do something that didn’t work bolsters our kids’ confidence that failing is the tried and true method.”
The questions are: How were you brave? How were you kind? How did you fail? The kids’ favorite topic is how did you fail? We all do that—it’s the most effective learning path. Try it and see if it works. It’s science. It’s knowledge. And knowledge is power.
We can’t fail for someone else—everyone needs to fall down in order to learn how to get back up again. But sharing stories about how we tried to do something that didn’t work bolsters our kids’ confidence that failing is the tried and true method for learning how to get where we’re going, including how to learn how to make ourselves happy.
On the other hand, perfection is the least useful trait to expect from ourselves or our kids. That road only goes downhill, leading to disappointment and self-blame. Adjusting expectations to remind ourselves that, as gifted preschool teachers advise, “mistakes are magic” is a more winning strategy. How did you fail today? What did you learn about how to make yourself happy?
